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Flashback...

There was a whistling in her ears and the wind seemed to be bent upon sweeping her off her feet and carrying her into oblivion before she had a chance to take a good look at the sun crying its crimson tears. What splendid colors the sun shed before it died each day and then it was born again to die another day.

Her decision was not a hasty one, she wanted to be sure of that. She wasn't so far gone in her mental capabilities that she could not understand why she was standing there. The thing is, this is where her paths had led her. All her decisions and her life choices and those which had been forced upon her by fate and circumstances had culminated in bringing her to this very spot. She had been walking on this bridge for almost a decade now and on many of those strolls she had seen the sun die. She had seen it die in so many ways and en-wrapped in so many colors that to her it seemed more beautiful than life itself. She already knew the very moment of her death. After all, she had been planning it for five years now. She again did a mental check and assured herself and her imaginary audience which consisted always of her subconscious multiplied into thousands, that this was not a spur of the moment decision. She looked up and saw that she didn't have much time now, the crimson was fading and dark was fast taking over the reigns but she wasn't ready yet. She wanted color to wrap her, not the arms of the night.

She had loved once, hadn't she? That's what love felt like. Not the red, nor the black but the eternal dread of losing the red and becoming lost in the gloom. The joy always entwined with pangs of sorrow, eternally... Try as she might, she couldn't see them separately, just couldn't remember them apart. She just couldn't remember the rupture of joy separately from the crestfallen pain, they were always entwined in the pit of her stomach and had been her companions for as long as she had loved...

And what of belonging? Where did she belong, with whom, doing what? Would she ever be rid of these questions? These questions were what had brought her to this brink. They flooded her senses and pushed her to where reason did not exist, as the questions pushed reason into utter chaos and madness. That is where she felt comfort, in madness. In madness, everything made sense. She could live forever and some more in madness and would have happily lived there but the world would not hear of it. World wanted answers, wanted coherence, narratives and above all normalcy.  They called this sanity! She had tried at first to find such a place. She had tried real hard but just couldn't find such a place. It didn't exist or maybe it was not compatible with where she had reached in her journey. She had come too far ahead and there was no way to go back, she wasn't sure she even wanted to go back; maybe some day someone would reach where she was and understand what she saw but she couldn't wait any longer....the sun couldn't wait any longer. She had to start a new journey, now! She looked ahead, far into the distance and saw the sun's comforting warm arms and saw that a new journey had begun and smilingly she set off ....

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